today was beyond insane.. my job doesnt require me to run yet i got a side ache from running so much.

today was one of those days where you know everything will be going wrong..you know those kinda days, where everthing bad piles into one day and turns into a complete shit storm.. yeah that was basically today in a nutshell. but whatever, life goes on..

the real problem i have is falling asleep. as in the fact being that i cant.. unless i fall asleep with friends over or i fall asleep to doing something (usually the phone is in my hands when i wake up in the middle of the night) I am afraid to go to bed.. my mind has time to think and i get depressed and lonely.. i hate being alone so much..

its 3:48 am and i have to be up at 5:15am. I have had an average of maybe 4 hours of sleep this week.. 9 hour day tomorrow.

fuck.

ok my eyes are about to close. i hope i can plug in my phone before i pass out (im posting from my phone ha and its about to die)

**sidenote** if you are having a bad day click on Christians picture below and watch his reunion.. makes me so incredibley happy i cry everytime.. life is about people, animals, life, expierences, love, and happiness. thats all wrapped up in this video. I love life <3

ugh.. its 1:07 AM and I am still awake.. not cool.

This seems to be a common issue as of late.. I know what my problem is.. however, I dont really have a means to fix it..
I am alone. This makes me very sad on a regular basis. I am 23 years old and have not even held hands with a boy.. I am lacking so much physical touch and feelings of love towards me. This has only recently become very noticable in myself. I feel that when I was overweight I could sheild myself from relationships. I think deep down in me I knew that as long as I looked the way I did I would never fall in love. It did not matter that in reality that is probably not true. I believed it enough so it became true.

Jumping back to now.. I hate being alone because I then have time to think. When I think at night I get sad and lonely. and lately the fact that I have never had a relationship or never had any type of physical relationship with someone is really starting to effect me..

Last night I dreamt about cuddling.. up until the past year or so I never used to have dreams about intimacy that much.. its strange. Considering falling in love is all I have ever cared about having haha.. but thats not the point.  it was wonderful to have a dream like that and I wish I could really know what that felt like.

Pretty sure that if I had someone to cuddle with every night, I wouldnt be having these issues of falling asleep.

Meet Scarlett:

She is my beautiful corn snake that I adore &hearts; I didn't know it was possible to love a snake as much as I love her lol She means more to me than just any old pet. The reason I got her was so I had someone that needed me. I have never had a boyfriend, or even a boy that had a crush on me. I have never felt needed by someone else. I have never felt love back from someone in that way, and I felt that getting a pet would be the best way to help me deal with those sad emotions.

I had a different snake for about two or three months before I got her. My other snakes name was Grigory. I called him Grigsy :) I loved him a lot as well but he was very sick from the start and ended up passing away shortly after I got him. It was very difficult for me to handle due to the fact that the reason I got a pet was not just for the sake of having a pet. It was hard because I felt I needed someone to need me to take care of them and I felt as though I killed Grigsy. I felt terrible, but it turns out that Grigsy was sick from the beginning. I miss him still, but I like the cherish the time I did have with him.

Miss you Grigory <3

So now I have Scarlett and I couldn't be happier with her. She puts so much joy in my life when I feel I dont have any. When im having a terrible day, she can always make me smile. I love coming home from work to her. She is always in some cute new spot in the cage. Most times when I go near her cage she will peak her little nose out her cave and watch me, sometimes for hours. SOOO cute. I just love her. haha so here are a few pictures of her.. a very selected few. I tend to take about 20 pictures a day of her haha

So here I go, a new tool to help myself cope with my life. I love those.. coping mechanisms. Life is one big coping mechanism.

I hate the first of everything. I always have to introduce myself in some way. When is a few minutes summary, some fun facts about myself like my favorite band or where I would most like to visit, or a quick bio on a web-page of myself really going to tell you anything about who I really am as a person. If anything it will most likely give you something to create an untrue uninformed opinion of me whether it be a positive or negative judgement. So I'm not going to try an explain who I am. I am just going to start writing.

Today has been a rough day. I have had a terrible cold for the past 2 days with horrendous coughing attacks and currently, I have no voice. I am reduced to what seems to be like secret telling all day. The reason this is absolutely terrible is for the sheer fact that my favorite part of each day is singing in the car. I tried doing that today.. pretty sure it didn't happen. Fortunately, I work in operations at my place of employment and am not required to speak to customers everyday haha

I want to mention a little about the title of this blog and what it means to me. I over the past few years have reached a total weight loss of 165 pounds. The thing I have discovered about weight loss is that your mind doesn't always lose the weight with your body. I was born on December 11th, 1987 and have lived most my life up until around 2009 extremely overweight. Even as a child my mom always said that I was thicker than all the other children. I was always the biggest in my class and overweight, and then became very obese once I reached high school. My highest recorded weight is 314 pounds and my lowest recorded weight I have from this past September is 148. I am currently hovering around 150. In September of 2010 I had a Tummy Tuck done and could not be happier with that decision even though it has put me into some major finance stress at times. Luckily, I feel my personal happiness and self-esteem is a lot more important in life than money. so yay :) I have now reached a healthy weight and feel great about my size.. for the most part. I would love to tone up many areas and fix some of what I see as flaws but in a broad sense, if I could stay the size I am right now forever I would be happy :) The only problem is that I have come to find that it is not that simple. Half of my brain realizes I am no longer 300 pounds but the other half doesn't know how to understand life any other way than being that size. As an outcome I am confused by the way I am treated every single day.

I am currently in the process of learning to love myself, my life, and everyone around me. Hopefully this blog will help me reach those goals ♥