ugh.. its 1:07 AM and I am still awake.. not cool.
This seems to be a common issue as of late.. I know what my problem is.. however, I dont really have a means to fix it..
I am alone. This makes me very sad on a regular basis. I am 23 years old and have not even held hands with a boy.. I am lacking so much physical touch and feelings of love towards me. This has only recently become very noticable in myself. I feel that when I was overweight I could sheild myself from relationships. I think deep down in me I knew that as long as I looked the way I did I would never fall in love. It did not matter that in reality that is probably not true. I believed it enough so it became true.
Jumping back to now.. I hate being alone because I then have time to think. When I think at night I get sad and lonely. and lately the fact that I have never had a relationship or never had any type of physical relationship with someone is really starting to effect me..
Last night I dreamt about cuddling.. up until the past year or so I never used to have dreams about intimacy that much.. its strange. Considering falling in love is all I have ever cared about having haha.. but thats not the point. it was wonderful to have a dream like that and I wish I could really know what that felt like.
Pretty sure that if I had someone to cuddle with every night, I wouldnt be having these issues of falling asleep.
I know what you mean - I have never had a real relationship either. I've been on a handful of dates and am almost 28 years old. I feel like I am so accustomed to being alone that I don't even know if I could thrive in a partnership anyway. But I still daydream that maybe I'll meet the right person eventually :-) Right now I guess i am using food in place of intimacy....not the best relationship, but a relationship nonetheless.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you feel that way. I've been watching you videos and have read your blog and you truelly are a strong woman. I have a friend who reminds me a lot of you. Except shes not strong. And she's constantly run down by men. I know you feel empty by not having someone to hold you at night, and to love. But its simply because you haven't met him yet. Once you do all these lonely nights will be worth it. It's better to wait then to be broken down by men using you for your hot bod. ;) If you ever need an ear, i have all the time in the world. Because i too can not sleep. lol I hope what i've said has made sense.
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